noticing what unwillingness feels like

By Laura Gao • 2 min read
July 2023

when you listen to a good song, and then it gets skipped or it pauses, it hurts. you want the beat to continue. when you're listening to music that's good, you actively want it to continue. if you're debating whether to skip a song, it already means you aren't enjoying it.

if ur debating whether to fuck then dont!! ok maybe there is an argument for listening to music that isnt immediately gratifying. but i think [sex/cuddles/kissing] should be? when it feels right, it feels so right. you sit on the couch with your body peeled on top of his and you can't get up, although your housemates made you breakfast and the pancakes are getting cold. you spend the entire day glued together, although you have contracting work to do, but in that moment you dont feel like doing it even for $100/hour. there is an emptiness next to you when you sleep without him.

idk this is probably how it should feel. you should actively want it. if you are unsure whether you want to, it already means you dont actively want it strongly.

if during sex i ever go "ah it's good to do this to get experience for the future" then i should stop. i don't want this.

same with like "ah this wall has lil grooves that's fascinating"

leave a msg for laura

i respect your emotional rawness. keep introspecting, maybe a little less inspirational quote posting...

msgs are anonymous. optionally leave ur name & discord (or other contact info) if u want me to respond