loving me hurts

By Laura Gao • 5 min read
July 2023

my mistakes have impacts on other people!!

the missed call from chinese embassy. dad: "the way you handle situations is a disaster." i am confused. i missed a call, i spent half a day going to the embassy which i didnt need to, i figured out that my visa will be delayed 4 days later than i couldve. it is an ouch, i couldve been in boston like a few days earlier, i couldve not wasted a day. but oh well i am like, not complaining about this??? this mistake hurts me the most and like the way he criticizes my actions is like from the angle of i am bad at Doing Things which is like ??? ok ??? you're not even getting hurt over this, i am, why are you so angry??

but no that line of a thinking is a pretty immature naive laura moment. like dad and mom are both emotionally invested in me getting this visa. when i didnt get any call, they assumed rightfully that there arent any complications, and had hope that we would get it today. (false hope is actually really mean.) mom was like contacting j's mom about like potentially picking up the visa for me. and like if that went through then her and j's mom and the dad wouldve put effort into like doing me a favour that went nowhere. and like she already invested time into semi-coordinating the visa pickup although she ended up not going through with that. and like. mom believed that if there was a call i would take it. i had one job. i told her i am gonna be careful in monitoring calls this week. i told her that. she like believed i would do this job well. and it's like ouch she'd be more skeptical of my competence in future

my mistakes hurt other people!!

i dont feel other people's hurt. it's like easy for me to be borderline sociopathic. like. right now i understand that yes deflation and false hope and wasted effort feels REALLY BAD. but i dont feel it?? like my brain is genuinely okay with being inconvenienced because of my own mistakes. i am okay with going to boston 4 days later altho i was rlly excited about boston and etc.

but the consequences arent contained to me!! and im a lot less comfortable with my mistakes hurting other people. i rlly would like to. not.

i want to be more empathetic etc. how does one train empathy? related: "to be trustworthy / hold my promises, i didnt need game theory or thinking about my reputation or confuscius. i needed frickin EMPATHY."

what if i can design a way for me to suffer every time i hurt someone else. make the externalities have an impact on me!! give up $[x dollar amount] every time? create apology? write blog post about the lesson and feelsbadman? broadcast online that i hurt people which uh would make people more wary when interacting w me probably? (lmfao not actually gonna systemize that, doing this now bc i felt like it and do want to learn this lesson but dont know how to.)

lol. more times i hurt other people:

  • all the times i show up late TM. waiting hurts lmao you have waited 45 mins for [redacted] at Don Mills subway station. in the recent past, people ive made wait: K (i showed up 1.5 hours late ??), E (.5 hours late)
  • finishing the tops night senior video like. <36 hours before the premiere. and like DURING INTERMISSION of the actual show. not even beforehand. like imagine the stress of the tech people AND organizers and ,,, literally anyone vaguely invested in the production of tops night would be slightly nervous if they knew the situation
  • not communicating w C abt when im going to boston as clearly as i could. schedule changed bc visa and didnt inform her (still havent, no longer going on the 4th probs going on the 8th i should tell her like right fucking now)
  • mom making dinner for me and me not coming home (ouch i flinch reading this)
  • all the dms i didnt respond to TM (or responded like 3 weeks late). people put emotions into writing you those messagesssss. like this is fine tbh just communicate with them that ur digital detoxing (??) like the problem is that people's expectations arent met and then they think you might be ignoring them or they wrote smtn wrong and they might be less willing to write long heartfelt msgs to new people they meet and aaaaaaa. maybe people dont feel secure in texting you bc of the possibility that youd ghost them without warning. i DONT KNOW how to reconcile this with the fact that my productivity (and hence general life satisfaction from striving towards goals) is ZERO when i have notifications on and SOMETIMES i need to take a break and close discord and i feel so cleansed. maybe writing a script to auto reply to people that im on detox and i care about your message and appreciate the energy you put into it but,,, sorry i am overwhelmed!! if i dont reply it's a me problem, i want to but i dont have the energy to.
  • The Mistake

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i respect your emotional rawness. keep introspecting, maybe a little less inspirational quote posting...

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