so I was gonna do a thing where. before i leave, i write a letter to my dad. im gonna say everything. the way he makes me feel when he scolds me, like there's some chlorine gas being released, crawling up and surrounding my head in a black mess of scribbles and words and insults, invisibly seeping into my lungs till i can't breathe and can't articulate why. tks and unconventional paths and first principles thinking, how ideal laura refuses to inherit the beliefs of her parents on autopilot (that's fucking dangerous goddammit do you understand why?), and in the future pls if you tell me "how can you be so ignorant to think you dont need a degree" and "its dangerous for you to have false beliefs like ths" and "im so happy you no longer want to do youtube bc that shows u are now mature" please know that wont change my mind. how from gr7-11 i did not say shit i believed in (yter, gap, college, advocate for 1517 meetup THEY PAID FOR MY FLIGHT AND ACCOMODATION GODDAMIT) bc i didnt want ur chlorine gas and on the surface it seems like our relationship was great and no tension and wtv. and dude that said referral is all you need and 5k-10k/month is ez and i believe (70%) i dont need a degree for signal purposes.
i was gonna say everythign i didnt say. it is so fucking dangerous to keep making decisions ruled by fear (like ive been doing in past when making decisions about you) and so, after im 18 and away and wtv, i refuse to make choices based on being scared of what youd do about it.
but then i talked to sigil like once and i dont need to shit on college. empathy and see his subjective pov and his concerns about not going to hs -> fail a course -> rescinded is yeah valid. "i will go to school in a year" not "fuck college." i dont need to convince u of all my beliefs, i dont need that for u to approve of gap year or wtv.
ok and sigil is like right. but
sth about on principle, i dont wanna have to convince dad for every decision.
so now it's sth between choosing to drop the entire bomb now and just say "i am making this choice whether u agree with it or not" vs slowly building up to it, revealing my polarizing beliefs a little bit at a time so he can slowly accept them more and more.
con of latter: a thing where it feels Bad that i have to hide a part of me in front of parents. I don't hide my beliefs in front of any of my close friends. have to be a different person in front of parents. also, every time i "expand the overton window", we'll have more argument and from his pov it'll seem like im getting more and more extreme (when in reality i had this belief from the beginning and there's sth to be said about standing my ground since the start)
pro of latter: i make one choice (gap year) and it turns out well and he'd respect me more as an independent adult and then he'd be more tolerating of the next choice. he dont treat me as adult bc i say "i am adult and now i make choices u dont agree with." obvs it would not be pleasant to hear for him. he will accept me making choices he dont agree with after time, after i have once made a choice on my own and it worked out not too bad.
idk. ideally i want my parents to respect me. i think i somewhat deserve their respect bc i actually work hard or whatever and dad doesnt know about 70% of the things ive worked on.
but if he doesnt respect me. doesnt want me to make choices he dont agree with. i like, dont want that to be a blocker for me to make choices.
status: i am unsure which choice will make (choice as in the bolded paragraph).